Hi! Remember that thing we did?Me:
It was done. Tested, up and running, complete-o finito.Me:
Yes. Good to hear.Client:
It was done-diddly-Stick-A-Fork-In-It-done.Me:
So how can I help you?Client:
We stuck a fork in it.
OMG! Our thing is on fire! Save us!Me:
Sure. Just sign this contract and we can get started.Government Client:
Wait! I need to know how much this will cost first.Me:
Well, we need to make an assessment then give you an estimate. We can assess for free.Government Client:
I need the estimate first.Me:
Very well, here is a totally random guess. Just sign it and we can get started.Government Client:
I can’t sign this. I have to run it by my boss, who’s out of town. And I’ll be out of town next week.Me:
Did you want extra gasoline for that fire?
Hi, we’re here today to discuss the specs for your proposal to build your Thing.Unknown Voice
: Hi, the regular guy who knows the stuff couldn’t make it, so I’m filling in. He says I know the stuff.Me:
OK, do you know the stuff?Unknown Voice:
No. I’ve been here (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) one day, but I’ll be the main contact.Me:
Oh. OK, well maybe we can figure out what to ask the regular guy.Unknown Voice:
Sure. But here’s the deal. I need a quote with a not-to-exceed amount for the assessment, work, and all future work before we look at what we want to build.Me:
Let’s talk to the regular guy.
Hi Client. We have a meeting right now to talk about your thing, which you confirmed and, ergo, I have a room full of people being paid by the hour standing by to talk to you. Would you care to join us?Client:
Sorry, something came up. Can we reschedule?Me:
(The Dark Side of The Thing)
Client: Why is the new upgrade of Thing so much more expensive?
Me: The makers of Thing took all the different versions of Thing and combined all the features into one Thing. Now you can do all sorts of cool new things with Thing that used to only be available in advanced Thing.
Client: So the makers of Thing know that I have to use Thing since I bought into Thing when it was cheap and simple, and they can sell me features I don’t need at a higher price because I still need Thing. Is that what you’re telling me?
Me: Not out loud.
How much does the thing cost?Me:
The thing costs $X.Client:
I don’t like that answer so I’m going to ask the same question in a different way.Me:
What’s your budget?Client:
Money is no object!Me:
Great! Let’s get started
[three months later]Me:
Are you going to pay your invoices?Client:
Money is no object.
Hi Client, the monthly cost on your thing has gone up.Client:
That’s fine. We’ll just pay the old rate.Me:
We’re having a problem with our thing.Me:
What’s the problem?Client:
Our customers think our thing is a contract. It’s not.Me:
The first line of your thing says “Client Contract.” We may have a solution for you.
Why the thing no worky?Me:
Do this thing to make the thing worky.Client:
I don’t wanna.Me:
Why the thing no worky?