Interview #3

Interviewer: Can you tell me some of the skills you’ve worked on since your last job?
Me: I buy things on Amazon then return them the next day.
Interviewer: Um. OK. Tell me something you did that was difficult and how you resolved it.
Me: I was preparing a toaster to go back to Amazon that I didn’t need because I already had a toaster, but I thought this one was cuter, except then I realized that it was the same model I bought last week. While I was packaging it back up, I lost the end of the tape and I wasted the rest of the roll trying to find the end.
Interviewer: So… how did you resolve the conflict?
Me: Well, what else could I do? I bought more tape on Amazon. But after it arrived, I found the other roll of tape that came in the first pack, so I returned the new tape, too. Except I taped it up with the toaster, only to realize afterwards they were going to different locations. So I had to unpack the whole box, repack the toaster, and lost the end of the tape again. I ran through the first roll again repacking the toaster, so I didn’t have to return the new tape after all. I think that was big win.
Interviewer: Thank you. We’ll be in touch.

Interview #2

Interviewer: Tell me one of your strengths as a worker.
Me: I work very fast and make all of my deadlines.
Interviewer: OK, tell me one of your weaknesses.
Me: Filling an 8 hour day with 2 hours of work.
Interviewer: Huh. And why do you want to work for this company?
Me: I really did my research on this. You are part of a mega-conglomerate, making most money on investments so individual worker productivity isn’t as important as sucking up to the executives. Since the place is top-heavy, there’s plenty of people who call meetings just to look busy. I figure I can kill about 6 hours a day doing nothing for 2 years before anyone notices.
Interviewer: Wow. That’s quite an assessment. When can you start?

Interview #1

Interviewer: What would a coworker say about you?
Me: They’d say that I say ‘I told you so’ too much.
Interviewer: Why would they say that?
Me: Because 6 months ago, they were wrong.