Hi! We’re expert thing makers like you.Me:
Great! How can we help you?Client:
Our thing is brokey-broke. We can’t fix it. Our experts can’t fix it. Other experts can’t fix it. The people who built the original thing can’t fix it. We need your help.Me:
Great. What’s your budget?Client:
Oh, we think you’ll only need a few hours.Me:
So… um… sure. Let me see what I can do.
[sends promotional swag as thank you gift for fixing their thing.]Me:
Thank you for the gift.Client:
Glad you like it!Me:
I never said I liked it.
I would like to build a thing that will rival MAJOR WEBSITE.Me:
We can do that. MAJOR WEBSITE took millions of dollars and several years to develop. What’s your budget and timeline?Client:
I need this in 90 days and I have $5K.Me:
Thank you for calling Things and Things, the premiere experts in these things and these things.Client:
I need you to do a thing.Me:
You’re in luck! We do things!Client:
What kind of things do you do?Me:
We do these things and these things.Client:
Do you do those things?Me:
No. We do these things and these things.Client:
How about the other things?Me:Client:Me:
Client: If I call you because my thing is broken, can you fix it like yesterday?
Me: I’m sorry. We don’t work yesterdays.
Client: Hi. We’d like a simple custom thing. It’s simple, so it shouldn’t be expensive.
Me: Have you looked at pre-made things?
Client: Yes. They don’t do exactly what we want.
Me: Then what you want isn’t simple, is it?
Interviewer: Can you tell me some of the skills you’ve worked on since your last job?
Me: I buy things on Amazon then return them the next day.
Interviewer: Um. OK. Tell me something you did that was difficult and how you resolved it.
Me: I was preparing a toaster to go back to Amazon that I didn’t need because I already had a toaster, but I thought this one was cuter, except then I realized that it was the same model I bought last week. While I was packaging it back up, I lost the end of the tape and I wasted the rest of the roll trying to find the end.
Interviewer: So… how did you resolve the conflict?
Me: Well, what else could I do? I bought more tape on Amazon. But after it arrived, I found the other roll of tape that came in the first pack, so I returned the new tape, too. Except I taped it up with the toaster, only to realize afterwards they were going to different locations. So I had to unpack the whole box, repack the toaster, and lost the end of the tape again. I ran through the first roll again repacking the toaster, so I didn’t have to return the new tape after all. I think that was big win.
Interviewer: Thank you. We’ll be in touch.
Interviewer: Tell me one of your strengths as a worker.
Me: I work very fast and make all of my deadlines.
Interviewer: OK, tell me one of your weaknesses.
Me: Filling an 8 hour day with 2 hours of work.
Interviewer: Huh. And why do you want to work for this company?
Me: I really did my research on this. You are part of a mega-conglomerate, making most money on investments so individual worker productivity isn’t as important as sucking up to the executives. Since the place is top-heavy, there’s plenty of people who call meetings just to look busy. I figure I can kill about 6 hours a day doing nothing for 2 years before anyone notices.
Interviewer: Wow. That’s quite an assessment. When can you start?
Thank you for submitting your extensive and perhaps overly informative cover letter. We just have a few follow-up questions, if you don’t mind.
On page 2, you describe yourself as “outgoing” because you “occasionally like to go out of the house.” Are there perhaps, other examples you could provide?
Then, on page 7, during your hitchhiking trip through Zimbabwe, in order to describe your problem-solving skills while being trapped by angry giraffes, you sacrificed your safari guide in order to escape. While we appreciate your ability to delegate responsibilities, this may not have been the most effective course of action. Furthermore, as giraffes are vegetarians, what did they do to poor Abebe? Did he survive? That seems like an important piece of information. Did you consider throwing a leafy tree branch at them?
On that note, if you had a safari guide, why were you hitchhiking?
You know what – skip it.
We look forward to your response, but understand, you are not being considered for the position. You have demonstrated no qualifications that match any of the job requirements. In fact, and the HR department had a bit of a row with legal about telling you this – we don’t think you’re qualified to do anything. Our recommendation is to maim yourself and collect disability for the rest of your life. We’ve included a HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL pamphlet with instructions.
Best of Luck,
Normally we would not deign a response to a submission such as yours, but on behalf of H.R., I must tell you that we are completely baffled. Why did you apply for this job? For our company? How did you even find us? You have no applicable skills, experience, background. I’m not even sure you know what industry we’re in. And while, we are not allowed to discriminate on the basis of age, sex, gender, race or religion, based on your profile picture, you’re probably too tall.
We realize that we will need to revamp our marketing for new hires and probably fire Phil, who’s in charge of all that. He’s kind of a dick anyway.
If you would be so kind to enlighten us, what on God’s Green Earth did you think you’d have any shot at all?
[Company HR Rep}
Dear [Company HR Rep],
Indeed.com sent me an automated email that based on the word “project” in my resume, I would be a perfect fit. Give my regards to Phil. And if you fire him, let me know. I could use the work.