Rejection Letter #3

Thank you for submitting your extensive and perhaps overly informative cover letter. We just have a few follow-up questions, if you don’t mind.

On page 2, you describe yourself as “outgoing” because you “occasionally like to go out of the house.” Are there perhaps, other examples you could provide?

Then, on page 7, during your hitchhiking trip through Zimbabwe, in order to describe your problem-solving skills while being trapped by angry giraffes, you sacrificed your safari guide in order to escape. While we appreciate your ability to delegate responsibilities, this may not have been the most effective course of action. Furthermore, as giraffes are vegetarians, what did they do to poor Abebe? Did he survive? That seems like an important piece of information. Did you consider throwing a leafy tree branch at them?

On that note, if you had a safari guide, why were you hitchhiking?

You know what – skip it.

We look forward to your response, but understand, you are not being considered for the position. You have demonstrated no qualifications that match any of the job requirements. In fact, and the HR department had a bit of a row with legal about telling you this –  we don’t think you’re qualified to do anything. Our recommendation is to maim yourself and collect disability for the rest of your life. We’ve included a HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL pamphlet with instructions.

Best of Luck,

[HR Representative]

Rejection Letter #2

Normally we would not deign a response to a submission such as yours, but on behalf of H.R., I must tell you that we are completely baffled. Why did you apply for this job? For our company? How did you even find us? You have no applicable skills, experience, background. I’m not even sure you know what industry we’re in. And while, we are not allowed to discriminate on the basis of age, sex, gender, race or religion, based on your profile picture, you’re probably too tall.

We realize that we will need to revamp our marketing for new hires and probably fire Phil, who’s in charge of all that. He’s kind of a dick anyway.

If you would be so kind to enlighten us, what on God’s Green Earth did you think you’d have any shot at all?

Sincerely,

[Company HR Rep}

Dear [Company HR Rep],

Indeed.com sent me an automated email that based on the word “project” in my resume, I would be a perfect fit. Give my regards to Phil. And if you fire him, let me know. I could use the work.

Regards,

Rejection Letter #1

Thank you for submitting your resume for the position of [X]. Unfortunately, while you were spending days researching our company, digging through your network of people to take someone out to coffee, creating the perfect custom resume and cover letter, then filling out your entire job history in our online form, 160 other applicants were already considered, vetted, interviewed, and in the end, the position has been filled. We will keep your resume on file for one year, at which point we will discard it just days before posting the perfect job for you, which we won’t tell you about. Good luck on your job search.

Regards,

P.S. In truth, we didn’t hire anyone. Instead, we handed all the duties over to an existing employee and gave them a more impressive title without an increase in salary.