Normally we would not deign a response to a submission such as yours, but on behalf of H.R., I must tell you that we are completely baffled. Why did you apply for this job? For our company? How did you even find us? You have no applicable skills, experience, background. I’m not even sure you know what industry we’re in. And while, we are not allowed to discriminate on the basis of age, sex, gender, race or religion, based on your profile picture, you’re probably too tall.
We realize that we will need to revamp our marketing for new hires and probably fire Phil, who’s in charge of all that. He’s kind of a dick anyway.
If you would be so kind to enlighten us, what on God’s Green Earth did you think you’d have any shot at all?
[Company HR Rep}
Dear [Company HR Rep],
Indeed.com sent me an automated email that based on the word “project” in my resume, I would be a perfect fit. Give my regards to Phil. And if you fire him, let me know. I could use the work.