Thank you for submitting your extensive and perhaps overly informative cover letter. We just have a few follow-up questions, if you don’t mind.
On page 2, you describe yourself as “outgoing” because you “occasionally like to go out of the house.” Are there perhaps, other examples you could provide?
Then, on page 7, during your hitchhiking trip through Zimbabwe, in order to describe your problem-solving skills while being trapped by angry giraffes, you sacrificed your safari guide in order to escape. While we appreciate your ability to delegate responsibilities, this may not have been the most effective course of action. Furthermore, as giraffes are vegetarians, what did they do to poor Abebe? Did he survive? That seems like an important piece of information. Did you consider throwing a leafy tree branch at them?
On that note, if you had a safari guide, why were you hitchhiking?
You know what – skip it.
We look forward to your response, but understand, you are not being considered for the position. You have demonstrated no qualifications that match any of the job requirements. In fact, and the HR department had a bit of a row with legal about telling you this – we don’t think you’re qualified to do anything. Our recommendation is to maim yourself and collect disability for the rest of your life. We’ve included a HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL pamphlet with instructions.
Best of Luck,
[HR Representative]